“Have a go at it, will you?”
The young man behind me motioned.
I turned, raising my shoulders to a shrug. “Relax, pal. There’s time.”
Refocusing my eyes, I began to gain composure.
I raised my weapon and aimed it down range. It extended from my body as an appendage might; a limb. I gave my chest one last heave, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes.
Eyes open.
Chest relaxed.
Head focused.

The sights were blurred.
Why? I don’t understand.
I heard murmurs behind me; surely it was the impatient man from before. I could not understand him. No time for this.
I blinked a few times, doing what I can to help my eyes regain focus.
When I opened them the last time, I just knew. I knew where I was aiming and I knew how to hit it.
I knew, that since this was a long target, that wind would become a factor. I had not accounted for that originally, but I knew what to do. No amount of wind will stop this bullet, and I knew that.
Another blink, and it’ll be over, just relax.

I just started thinking about depression, which was prompted by watching the great quality film “Charlie Bartlett”, or “Charlie Brown tee hee” as Kirstin calls it.

Couple things to note about the actual movie: Since it was set in a high school, with high school kids, it (along with any other movie set in a high school, might I add) takes place in the super-cliche type of high school, perfectly lampooned in Not another teen movie. You know the one, overly emphasized cliques, brutal beatings at the hands of overdeveloped bullies, et cetera. Suburban high schools that are more dangerous than any high school in compton, no big deal. That crazy high school always kind of bugged me, but I do suppose that it is just a movie, so I’ll let it slide.
Also, You kind of have to ignore the fact that Charlie would get taken down in like 2 or 3 days. I don’t want to spoil it, but it’d happen.

Other than that, it has a few short stories on a number of different issues often plaguing the average teenager, or teenager’s parent, as well as the not-so-average version of each. They didn’t really dive super deep into each character– they couldn’t in just a movie– but they let you taste enough of each character for you to relate your own youth to, and also to draw inspiration from the typical, but milestone problems that are solved in this movie. You can say what you want about the plausibility of the whole thing, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t have to be plausible to the point of it really being able to happen– it can’t– because it only has to be plausible enough for you to relate to it, and to gain something from it. For me, it does those both quite well; even on some of the conundrums that I have yet to experience.

Review aside, it did make me think about depression, as I mentioned earlier, and about how little it really takes for things to get to someone. Especially when those little things come from some of the big things in your life. It’s easy to forget about the big picture, or “the universe”, as Charlie lightly refers to it. Honestly, it doesn’t always help to zoom out like that at the time of the crisis, perspectively speaking, but it often does help you gain a new light on the matter afterward, which enables you to mitigate your next crisis, if it ever does come. No matter how you come out of a low spot, however, each time should be looked at as a challenge that can be overcome, because as sad as the fall is, the rise is that much more glorious. There is something to be said about watching someone finally realize what matters, where their priorities lie that probably cannot be expressed in mere words, but I will try: It is gorgeous.

kl

…about what to do with this blog!

You see, I have always thought that the word poison always carried such a negative connotation;
undeservedly so!
From my experience, it’s quite delicious,
but rarely is it ever nutritious.
I don’t mind; at least not now!

Until my organs fail,
Until my resolve is gone,
I will drink this poison.
And it will be delicious.

It feeds, more than I knew;
and I have descended.
My body, my vessel,
it knows better.

It rejects.
And yet, even with my newest ascent,
I still find myself back in it’s clutches.

Another day closed on these shelves that have become our world, and nothing has changed. I’ve been standing here for months on end, and she has been standing there for those same months; perhaps longer. A boisterous chatter surrounds me, but it’s nothing that my keepers can listen to. They know nothing of what we are, who we are, only that we are. My kind are idols: collected and cast aside in the same breath, but it’s okay, because she is like me.

The love I have is nothing to most, dangerous to some, but it’s everything to me. It dismantles, destroys, and devestates, but I stand devout, and unmoving against it’s challenges. I’ve destroyed the castings that spawned me, and I have opened a door to a world that something like me can only witness by watching those that move.

You see me as nothing but a doll made of porcelain, standing on this home you have granted me, but I am a living force. I feel as you might feel, but I don’t understand why. Maybe this is what makes us different.

She’s beautiful in her egocentrism, selfishness. It’s what makes her live for her, and maybe she will live a better life than I, standing just to my left. Without the burden of anyone else.

I don’t know if what we have is genuine, and I’m not sure I ever will. What sets us apart is that I know I don’t know.

She is an egocentric doll made of porcelain, and I am that doll standing just to her right. I’ll keep standing here, but I think if she could, she would climb my frame to bring herself higher.

Bird, some smoke, a bridge, I’d have it no other way.

Follow.

Nature is the world around us, and it is often ignored. All that is seen anymore is the buildings and institutions that man has created everywhere. At the end of the day though, when all those man-made things are gone, all that will be left is nature, no matter what condition we leave it in. If we don’t take care of the world around us, and we die, which we all ultimately will, then our only legacy, as far as most are concerned, is the state of our environment around us.

The problem is, in most cases, that a lot of people love the color green, but not in the right spot. They will sacrifice too much just to make a few bucks. While yes, a lot of this in the past could simply be attributed to a chronic case of the “It won’t happen to me’s” or just plain ignorance, the fact is that so much information is out there these days on the subject, that it has now become an obligation and responsibility for everyone to stop taking our earth for granted.

The very idea of nature is so robust and consistent in our lives that a sense of safety has come over us all in regards to it. Thus, a procrastination the likes of which we have never known has overtaken the public perception of a clear crisis that really does threaten not only ourselves, but most importantly, the coming generations.

The nature that lies all around us, and below our feet as we walk has a great enemy. This enemy is another sort of nature, though: Human nature. For example, if an electronics manufacturer can shave some money off the bottom line by using materials that aren’t as environmentally friendly, do you think he would? What if his job were on the line, or he was on the verge of getting a raise, and he wanted to impress upper management? The chances of him using this less-friendly material would then go up even higher. I’d be hard-pressed to say that I wouldn’t do the same. When staring in the face of a few dead presidents, it’s hard to think of the grand scheme of things. The largest problem happens to lie in these small seemingly insignificant sacrifices, because any time you see any large violation, it’s spurns public outrage on a large scale. A few of these small sacrifices here and there don’t hurt anyone, or at least not enough for it to make a real difference, but thousands of them per day eventually sum up to what we are seeing today, especially when stacked upon the often steeper transgressions of the past.

A really great example of the small problem lies in the ‘Standby’ mode of many popular electronics devices, including plasma TVs, Game consoles, and computers. For those who are unaware, a Standby mode is a sort of ‘Not-quite-off’ mode that saves time when starting up a device, but also takes power every second that it is plugged in. I’ve seen studies that linked this to a very high percentage of the power consumption in the country, and for what? Most consumers don’t even know their devices are doing it, but manufacturers keep including things like these that can be easily omitted to help the environment. The quickly evident issue with this feature’s removal is that salespeople can no longer include it as a selling point on the back of the box, which could possibly hurt their bottom line (e.g., Game1 has standby mode for quick start-up, whereas Game2 does not, and thus, takes longer to start). Governments are starting to take notice of at least the Standby mode example, namely the British Government, who has put a bill into parliament for the removal of standby mode from electronics.

Other things, such as Green Computing (which is simply a study of using resources properly in regard to computers and electronics) are starting to take hold as well, with more and more standards coming out on the actual manufacture of computers, especially in the European Union. We’ve also seen the emergence of the “Energy Star” label on many consumer electronics, which has done well in making it’s appeal to the consumer’s checkbook, promising lighter electricity bills and other benefits. My point is, while the strip mines, logging and crazy large-scale environment killers of the past definitely need to be continually monitored and regulated, it’s often the little power hungry device in your pocket that is doing the deed.

We’ve started looking in the direction of the issue, as a people, but it takes more than government to make such a drastic change in how we look at small problems that plague our Earth. Consumers make the choices.

I found this story of a New York Artist that took a Polaroid every day for 18 years, up until his last day.

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/15131

It’s a pretty moving story. It’s outlined further in this blog that is run by some of his close friends.

“You don’t marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without.”
-unknown

Love, though it is commonly seen, cannot be researched; it cannot be discovered through texts, nor can it be copied from those who exhibit it. No, our most abstract emotion can only be discovered by the self. The few definitions that can be even remotely consistent are the few that are yours, and they are only consistent in an intra-personal regard. It is this character-building self discovery that makes this concept so special and memorable for many people, and despite it’s ingrained difficulty, this journey is what defines what it is to be a human being. That said, if you think too much about it, chances are good that you will go mad.

There are some that would go so far as to say that without love, there is nothing of life. I’m fairly confident that this was said by people who had a good thing going. Ask them after the breakup, and I’m willing to guarantee they will be playing a different tune. But that’s the nature of love, isn’t it? To build you up, and take you down. That’s the journey: up and down. As bad as this sounds, and as much as I may resemble a cynical prick (I am one), anyone who’s even started this process can tell you that there is no time in your life when you will learn more about yourself. The highest mountains– mountains of love– and the deepest valleys– also of love– are the locations where you will learn not just the most satisfying curse words, but also what it means to be a human, or American, or… male or female. It depends, I guess.

Even though the ups and downs can be a bit rough, I am still absolutely of the opinion that these self-explorations are something that everyone should go through. Even science agrees, because studies have shown that primates (and perhaps other animals) are less functionally, socially, or psychologically sound without some sort of affection. Whether that be motherly affection, or spousal, or what have you, the fact remains that love is not just a psychological phenomenon, it is also very biological in both it’s nature and importance. Really, if you think about it, people make sure every other need is taken care of, so why not this as well? The vitals, such as breathing and eating, are done without second thought, along with even smaller, less automatic things like fun and communication. Why is something so integral as love ignored? Because it’s never easy, that’s why.

At the end of the day though, most people have a deep desire for this sort of companionship, whether they act on that desire or not is another thing completely. I’ve found that the most frequently uttered question on the matter is often: “How?”. If only we could (truthfully) answer! This desire, and matching confusion can be exemplified in stories that I hear sometimes about two elderly people that are deeply in love even into their final years. Still writing love notes, cooking each other breakfast, taking walks in the park, et cetera. When people hear or see a story like this, on the outside they are crying because it is very touching, but on the inside, are they not just wondering how they do the same?

Unfortunately, It seems that love’s inherent difficulty will prevent many people living today from ever achieving a true form of it, myself hopefully not included. It’s an interesting happening, but many go through similar cycles of highs and lows leaving no rock turned in any sort of introspection. To some, these cycles are just that of a relationship, and nothing more. There is no love involved, and it is quite sad to me. A simple fear of getting hurt is preventing them from enjoying the best that life has to offer. The want to possess, harm, and acquire gets in the way too frequently. Romantic love cares, sets free, and forgives; 3 things that are not easily done, and some are just not capable.

The vital weakness with something as abstract as love is that it falls right into our greatest conundrum: The prime human experience often conflicts with common human nature. Self preservation is actively detrimental to something so selfless as this, and love really isn’t as strong as people make it out to be. I mean, sure, it is a powerful energy and everything, but it is no bunker. A popular, and somewhat optimistic, view of love is that it is this blitzkrieg-like force that can conquer anything before it. While that would be great if it were the case, it’s pretty unrealistic. This view makes it out to be a safety net, a comfort that can be as popular as it is empowering. I’m sure it feels great to believe that, but it’s misleading, not to mention the fact that it degrades the rarity and specialness of this deep affection. An untouchable aura around an emotion so human couldn’t be further from the truth; romantic love is not a powerful conquering force, it is a fragile prize that is awarded after diligent work. It must be nurtured to life, and only at it’s strongest point can it overcome even a moderate challenge.

The shocking bit about it all is that love in it’s truest form is best understood by children. They don’t know all the stuff that gets in the way, all the minor things that can cause major problems. However, if they grow up and do it right, they will surely learn.

There’s a phrase I’ve seen floating around the tubes, originating with the work of the famous guerrilla artist Banksy, that I really enjoy.

It depicts a picture of a beggar, holding a sign that says, “Keep your coins, I want change”

It’s definitely a play on words, but it’s allure (at least superficially) extends well beyond anything like clever wordplay, and if you begin to look at several of the political campaigns here in the states, you’ll see it there as well.

It’s just change. After all, change is good, right?

However, when it really comes down to it, how many of us really desire true change? I guess I am putting it lightly, so let me rephrase: How many of you are not scared shitless by change?

Whether it be personal, professional, or political; change has been a huge selling point lately, but as devious as selling points can be, this is no different: it is much easier said than done, almost to an alarming degree.

I’ll talk political first, simply because it is the most obvious example. I mean, after George W Bush, everybody seems to be clamoring for something different (the reasons should be obvious at this point). At the end of the day, though, the desires for our country that the American people possess are not going anywhere at all. That cowboy mentality still not only exists, but it is now arguably stronger than it ever has been. We still want to keep our guns, hum-vees, 30 year mortgages, and bibles. The only real change in the government is changing from a leader who is grossly incompetent to one who is only mildly so (we hope). I definitely do not want to sell it short, however, because even though this may sound minimal in nature when put in those words, it’s as big a change as this nation has made in decades.

Professionally, a steady job that you don’t mind going to is hard to give up. Extremely difficult. All the opportunities that may exist elsewhere may as well be in the complete blackness of night, because they are hard to see when you’ve got someplace you can be contempt at. Many people even find it hard to ask for a raise in salary, due not for fear of change, but fear of rejection. Ultimately, however, these fears are just segments of one another and are rooted in the same sick life-wasting selfish preservation mindset.

Personally, Change from something you know as stable is never going to be easy, but sometimes you just have to do it. You don’t know what you’re missing out on if you just journey away from the conventional, take a leave from somebody you know will leave you with nothing to dislike, but often times nothing to like, and go with what makes you truly happy- should you be lucky enough to find something like that. You never know how well it’s going to go until you do it, and most of the time it’s going to be a lot harder to do than you thought. The most important thing, and this can be used in every example I’ve provided thus far, is that you stick to your guns and don’t go back to something that is fundamentally flawed in it’s stability. You only live once.